Ben Carson Discovers Missing Lobe

from The American Journal of Pseudoscience, January, 2016

In an effort to bolster a flagging presidential campaign, Dr. Ben Carson chose an unusual tack: in front of a crowd of supporters, he attempted to demonstrate his skill with cutting-edge neuroscientific technology.

His subject? None other than the good doctor himself.

“Everyone says that you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to lead America,” Carson announced in his typical dead-pan manner. “But you should have to be a brain surgeon!”

There was desultory laughter. The crowd seemingly unable to discern whether he was joking or not.

The presidential hopeful then attached a pair of diodes to his temples and flipped a switch on a strange looking new-fangled device.

“This device, the Oscillatrix will demonstrate that I, Dr. Ben Carson, am the smartest of the Republican candidates!”

Carson’s desperate gambit did not go as planned, however. Instead, the state-of-the-art Swiss-built contraption unveiled a startling revelation: the doctor was missing his frontal lobe!

When asked what might have become of it, Carson replied: “I don’t know. My past is a mystery to me.”

Dr. Cole Blankenpate, founder of the Neuroscientology Consortium, and a man Carson describes as: “almost as smart as me” conjectured that the missing gray-matter could be attributed to a condition known as cerebral marasmus.

“Basically the brain just starts to waste away,” Dr. Blankenpate said when reached by phone. “The consequences can be terrible.”

When pressed for details, Blankenpate offered a list of potential mental stresses: “Delusions, definitely delusions. Patients often mistake fiction for fact, for example adopting strange theories about ancient edifices that have been debunked by every expert on planet earth. Other things of that nature.”

Back at the rally, Carson seemed undeterred by the hole in his head.

“I’ve gone for who knows how long without my frontal lobe,” Carson said. After a lengthy pause, he continued. “How many of the other Republican hopefuls can claim that?”

*This post is satire.

 

 

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