Clinton Team Scraps Telenovela Plugs

Tempo Latino. February 25, 2016

Hugo Cajones @hugecajones

After careful consideration, the Clinton campaign has decided to scrap a series of telenovela spots originally intended for Spanish language television stations throughout the Southwest and California.

The short sketches depict Hillary Clinton in her roles as mother, wife and gravel-gutted politician.

“We wanted to portray her as a regular person, dealing with the same day-to-day problems as any undocumented immigrant in the United States,” said Hetta Goebler, a spokeswoman for the campaign. “But the poor quality of preduction and telescripts give us cause for concern that the project will damage Mrs. Clinton’s reputation among Latinos, not improve it.”

Latino Tempo was able to obtain a copy of one of the telescripts from an unnamed source. A section follows.

Bill Y Hillary


The dining room. 

Hillary prods her food with her fork, deep in thought.

Hillary: How the hell is Sanders still on his feet?

Bill attacks his meat and potatoes with gusto. 

Bill: I don’t know dear.

Hillary: He’s like a thousand years old. He reeks of garlic, Bill. Have you ever stood next to him? I mean it’s like he’s just a giant Jewish bulb of garlic stuck in the 60s. All this ‘I have a dream’, candlelight vigil, burn-your-bra bullshit. Why are the kids falling for it!

Bill, face now rosey from a postprandial scotch, stands. Moves to his wife. Puts his hands on her shoulders. 

Hillary: Well, you can bet your bottom dollar that I wore my bra, so I could go to work and not look like some fucking aboriginal! Some of us had to keep this country running while those burn outs were holding picket signs and spouting poetry and getting high!

Bill: But we didn’t inhale, did we dear?

Hillary sobs with uncontrolled frustration. 

Hillary: I just wish they’d all go away, stop making fun of me, my shrill voice, my hair like a helmet of straw, my inability to connect to the working person.

Bill: I’ve already taken care of that, dear. No one is every going to make fun of you again.

Hillary: Thank you, my darling. I feel that in this last year our marriage has become so much more than just a political expediency.

Bill: So too is my breast burning with a renewed passion for you, my love.

Hillary pauses, looks out the window at rainswept streets. 

Hillary: Do you ever think about her?

Bill’s face turns to stone. 

Bill: Who?

Hillary: Don’t play games with me, you know who I’m talking about!

Bill: No, of course not. Now and forever, I’m yours.

Hillary: Truthfully?

Bill: Well, sometimes when I’m down in Little Havana….

*This Post is DEFINITELY Satire.*