Cruz Predicts Apocalypse If Not Nominated

The New End Times, February 15, 2016 

J.P. Augustine, @augustine

At the evangelical Church of the Seventh Crossroad in Padua, South Carolina, Texas Senator Ted Cruz fired up a group of supporters.

With the promise of Hellfire.

“Obviously, if I lose, everyone loses.” Cruz observed matter-of-factly. “Because the Big Guy Upstairs is not going to be happy. No sir.”

Cheers came from the crowd, many of whom had attended the event in fire retardant suits and gas masks.

“But, by Jesus, if there is a crowd that is ready to face God’s wrath HERE IT IS!”

A clamor ensued as the throng thumped Bibles with gauntleted fists.

When asked by a young girl of twelve if it was really true that the world was going to hell in a hand basket, the Texas Senator replied:

“Oh yes, sweetie. Undeniably. Let me just say, that if I’m not nominated, well…,” he paused to think of a suitable consequence. “Have you seen that movie with that bald old guy and the guy who’s going to play Batman and that rockstar’s daughter, the Elf Princess… What’s the name of that movie again, honey?”

Cruz looked around for his wife, who was nowhere to be found.

“Anyways, that movie about the asteroid that hits the earth and almost kills everybody?”

The girl shook her head, eyes wide with fright.

“That’s what will happen, oh yeah.” Cruz continued, “The Big G.O.D. has promised me a shitstorm of brimstone and ashes if the American people don’t wise up. Are you going to wise-up, sweetie?”

The girl, Trilby McCaulster, had just returned from Jesus Camp where she had been stripped of her self-respect, and thus nodded her head in mute acquiescence.

“Can I get a hallelujah!” The usually lackluster Cruz shouted shrilly.

This Post Is Satire.

 

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